Stevie DuBois from Skokie, Illinois — family man and father
I'm Steven DuBois aka Stevie. I'm a Drupal developer and father. I live in Skokie, IL. I'm Orthodox Jewish, but I used to be Catholic.
I love Top Cat
Congratulations to Kat Dennings and Andrew WK
I hope this doesn't mean Kat won't be making an appearance at HOPE 2022!
Dad jokes (courtesy of my buddy Discount Dave Dwyer and his buddy Dave Barry)
- 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
- I told my wife I think our kid is spoiled, but she tells me all kids smell like that.
- Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
- What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes make you cry? Opinions.
- How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
- I sold my vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.
- Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: Solid, liquid, and gas.
- My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.
- I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?
- What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
- Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
- Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
- I was addicted to hokey pokey...but I turned myself around.
- The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand it.
- What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
- Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
- Interesting fact of the day: In Sweden, all government-owned ships are required to have a UPC code printed on the hull. When the ships are returned to port, it helps them Scandinavian.
- Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music? He’ll be Bach.
- I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- What was the question most often asked during the broadcasting career of Larry King? Should I be concerned about the blood in my diarrhea?
- You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
- A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
- Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
- What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
- What's the worst part about being gang raped by Crosby, Stills, and Nash? No Young.
- Why don't shrimp give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
- Chris Hemsworth is Australian, and Thor is from space, does that make him an Australien?
- What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
- Why did Adele cross the road? To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
- Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.
- A friend of mine doesn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
- I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.
- A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
- What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
- Can February March? No, but April May.
- Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.
- I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
- Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
- What's the worst thing about Fred Durst's herpes? His music.
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.
- My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.
- I searched for a lighter on Amazon, all I could find was 401 matches...
- Today, my daughter asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears. 11 years old and she still doesn’t know my name is Stevie.
- Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan.
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
- Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
- In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
- How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.
- I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. This is also how I kasher my forks.
- I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
- Friend: Ok, when does a joke become a “dad joke?”
Me, with no hesitation: When it becomes apparent.
- What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check.
- What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!
- Why did the sexual deviant love hummus so much? The chick pees.
- Why did the man name his dogs Casio and Omega? Because they were watch dogs.
- What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
- Why did Madonna feed her baby Alpo dog food? Well, that’s just what came out of her breasts.
- What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? On a live stream.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
- What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
- Why did Metallica cut off their long hair? Their barber told them it was the only way they could get out all the matted cum.
- What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly squats.
- My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
- Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'll let it go!
- How many Backstreet Boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? They DON'T screw in light bulbs - they're too busy screwing their audience! Hooo!
- My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
- Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
- What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.
- Why did Blink 182 cross the road? There were three mirrors on the other side they wanted to jerk off in front of.
- What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
- When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- Why did God create Domino’s pizza? To punish mankind for his complacency in allowing the Holocaust to happen.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.
- What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
- We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
- If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
- I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
- Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
- What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
- Why does Col. Sanders keep the 11 herbs and spices of Kentucky Fried Chicken’s original recipe a secret? Because he’s ashamed of them.
- Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened?
Dad: The teacher woke him up.
- My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.
- A kosher deli sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, no outside food.”
- The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
- What did the chicken from hell lay? Deviled eggs.
- What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two...
- What did the firefighter call his twin sons? Jose and Hose B...
I used to live in Boston, and you can see that over here.