Stevie DuBois from Skokie, Illinois — family man and father

Dad jokes (courtesy of my buddy Discount Dave Dwyer and his buddy Dave Barry)

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
I told my wife I think our kid is spoiled, but she tells me all kids smell like that.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes make you cry? Opinions.
How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
I sold my vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.
Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: Solid, liquid, and gas.
My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
I was addicted to hokey pokey...but I turned myself around.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand it.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Interesting fact of the day: In Sweden, all government-owned ships are required to have a UPC code printed on the hull. When the ships are returned to port, it helps them Scandinavian.
Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music? He’ll be Bach.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What was the question most often asked during the broadcasting career of Larry King? Should I be concerned about the blood in my diarrhea?
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What's the worst part about being gang raped by Crosby, Stills, and Nash? No Young.
Why don't shrimp give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
Chris Hemsworth is Australian, and Thor is from space, does that make him an Australien?
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Why did Adele cross the road? To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.
A friend of mine doesn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
Can February March? No, but April May.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.
I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
What's the worst thing about Fred Durst's herpes? His music.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.
My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.
I searched for a lighter on Amazon, all I could find was 401 matches...
Today, my daughter asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears. 11 years old and she still doesn’t know my name is Stevie.
Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan.
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.
I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. This is also how I kasher my forks.
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
Friend: Ok, when does a joke become a “dad joke?”
Me, with no hesitation: When it becomes apparent.
What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check.
What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!
Why did the sexual deviant love hummus so much? The chick pees.
Why did the man name his dogs Casio and Omega? Because they were watch dogs.
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
Why did Madonna feed her baby Alpo dog food? Well, that’s just what came out of her breasts.
What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? On a live stream.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
Why did Metallica cut off their long hair? Their barber told them it was the only way they could get out all the matted cum.
What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly squats.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'll let it go!
How many Backstreet Boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? They DON'T screw in light bulbs - they're too busy screwing their audience! Hooo!
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.
Why did Blink 182 cross the road? There were three mirrors on the other side they wanted to jerk off in front of.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Why did God create Domino’s pizza? To punish mankind for his complacency in allowing the Holocaust to happen.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.
What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
Why does Col. Sanders keep the 11 herbs and spices of Kentucky Fried Chicken’s original recipe a secret? Because he’s ashamed of them.
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened?
Dad: The teacher woke him up.
My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.
A kosher deli sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, no outside food.”
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What did the chicken from hell lay? Deviled eggs.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two...
What did the firefighter call his twin sons? Jose and Hose B...

I used to live in Boston, and you can see that over here.